Good Morning Fam,

I think todays post is more for myself. Yet at the same time, I am going to speak this one out so if anyone else is experiencing this as well, you can see someone is right there with you. Recently I have been in a bit of a struggle. I am not getting things done that I want to. I am doing things that, yes need to be done, but at the same time, did it need to be done now or I should have waited for a better time to work on them. I have been getting into this position where I am not spending my time how I want or need. But if this year has taught me anything, it is the fact that I will no longer be healing quietly. I am going to heal out loud and how I need to. I am going to be the Mandy I have always known I am. So that is what we are going to do now. We are going to talk this out and process exactly how we need.

When I was in therapy, I remember having this talk with my therapist. It was one of the most impactful sessions I had ever had. I remember telling her that I feel fine. I am happy. I’m not tired. I actually feel healthy in the chronic illness department. Yet at the same time, I don’t want to do anything. Or I feel like doing the project I just came up with that has absolutely no need to be done anytime soon, let alone the times when I am feeling this way. We have had long chats about how she agrees she does not think I have depression. I am very fortunate to not actually struggle with depression on top of being chronically ill. So like what is the problem?

She turned to me and said “this is where your determination needs to kick in.” She explained it in the sense of loosing weight. You don’t want to go to the gym. Well you need the determination to push your “don’t want to” out and put in the work. For myself its like I get to these points of not wanting to do what I need to but knowing its not the dread some feel about working out. It’s not a “once its started I will be fine.” I genuinely feel stuck like I cannot do the task but my feeling/attitude is still uplifting and good. She said to me that we obviously pay attention to my body since I have chronic illness but at the same time, Im explaining it that I feel good. So I need to pull out the determination and get my butt in gear. That was literally the single most powerful line and I always think of it when I hit these moments.

Sadly it seems like the entire month of November has been this way and I am genuinely tired of it. I have these routines in place so I take all of my supplements, work on my health, homeschool the kids, work, do my own school and take care of the house. Yet I have not been using these routines at all. I am finding it easier to stay in bed a little longer than usual. It is easier to sleep in instead of being up at my 6:30 normal. Yet, I usually feel a little off if I don’t get up at that time. So like the downsides are so very obvious. Yet I still struggle.

I don’t have a solution. I genuinely have no plans to change my routines to get myself up and moving. I don’t know what to do to change except to remind myself its time to pull out the determination. Ok, health is one factor but at the same time, I think that needs to be the biggest factor. When I am able to be on these routines I can actually take care of myself. Meaning I am taking the supplements and then feeling like I am tackling the day. That feeling of like “I finally have everything in order today! I have caught up on so much I have been struggling to do.” Those moments. I have those moments and thats where I need to get back to right away!

Essentially its the need to not give myself the “it’s ok to relax in bed for a bit longer” comment and just get up. That actually helps my body the most. Now to move myself and add back in the stretching. Recently I have been working on some mobility exercises/stretching and it has been improving my hips so much. To which, that has been helping my back and I genuinely think it has been lowering my inflammation as well. I have this whole system that works and I just need to get back to it so I can continue to feel better.

I know we all want the quick fix that some course has told us to do so we can just fix it all instantly but this isn’t the case. I have been very fortunate to build my own system that works really well for me and I can actually feel normal. So in reality nothing needs to change except the mindset and determination to get back to those. I plan to stick with waking up, getting out of bed, taking half my supplements, eat breakfast, take me time, clean up and then go on with the day. Scheduling tasks each day has been a big help as well. So instead of having a day where I deep clean continuously, I spend each day doing something off my to do list. Then I make sure to work on the standard work projects or add in the fun projects. Mix it up and enjoy the day. That’s where I need to get back to and honestly it needs to start now.

So this may not be inspirational or life changing or going to do anything to help you but in reality this one is much needed for myself. I need to remember what my therapist told me and keep going.