This trip has sparked a fire down inside of me again and I’m so ready to watch it burn!
Not something that you usually hear that will spark happiness but this one does. The spark that has been inside of me for so long has not burned for some time. There was a small, small little glimpse of this fire, but it has long for a while been dormant. The changes of life has come and we’ve been experiencing so much going on in our life that it’s been taking so much to spark that fire. There were times where I would have a glimpse that maybe just maybe the fire would rage again. But for so long has that been doused. For so long for the past eight months, this fire has just been the worlds smallest little match, smallest little candle that has been lit. But at the current moment, this trip up to Pennsylvania, this trip up to see family and this trip up to being away from our house, just a small break that you need for your body. I’ve had these trips a few times where I haven’t been at home all the time but they haven’t done anything for the fire. But until now when I have so much to fight for, I now know it’s time to start that fire. So with fire you need fuel and we have been low on that fuel. I have tried everything to make that fire go. I have done everything I can do to take and spark it fire, and make it rage. A little by little the fire kept twiddling, and nothing was happening.
But now, as I sit back, and I start listening, I realize I don’t wanna be the same person anymore. I don’t wanna be the person that doesn’t have their fire, flaming as hot as it can be. I want to be the person that I used to be. The one who took, and was tough in spite of everything that should’ve broken her. The one that stood there and knew just who she was. The one that said every single day that she was gonna fight and she was going to push, and she was going to win. The fight is there don’t get me wrong. The fight that is always been in my body is continuing to be there. I fought for the last how many years fighting the sickness. But if you continue to fight and fight, and you don’t take and actually have anything that adds fuel to the fire, that is when the fire gets diminished. That fire has been low, the fire to fight for myself for my health for my life, fighting to take a do the things that give me passion and they give me happiness. All of that fight has been extinguished until now. Now the fight is back, the fight to be who I want to be, the person that I want to be, and the mom that I want to be, the wife that I want to be, the entrepreneur that I want to be, that fight is back and it is brighter than before. To think if one good day of health literally can change your mindset completely, that is massive. I spent Christmas day being able to eat food that I have not been able to eat in so long. I had two massive meals and I have never had two massive meals in the past two months. Some thing that people would be like that’s not much but from my body that was so much food. The realization that I was happy I didn’t get sick because I couldn’t able to control. Everything was wonderful. But that is what sparked the fight. I want to be back to doing all the baking at all the work, and all of the things that make me smile and this is the spark that started.
So here we start the day after Christmas just a few days shy of us heading back on our way back home the fire is there any fires bright. It’s time to start giving my fire feel it needs in the forms of what makes me happy and the things that I know will bring joy in my life. I’m going home but I’m not just going home. I’m going back to the passions. I’m going back to the things that I hold dear to my heart. I will be fighting with my family. I will be fighting for our homeschool journey. I will be fighting for that Homestead. The life that I have fought so hard to reach, I’m going to be back, and I will be brushing off the dust and the cobwebs and we are going to be back. Going home gives me so many promises, so much excitement for all that is ahead of us. It may also be the fact that it’s a new year and I wanna do better but in all honesty, I don’t feel it’s that. I always go into the new year excited to try and do better than I did the year before but this passion is burning not because of the new year coming into view. It’s because I have so many dreams and ambitions that I want to achieve. I am just sitting here, realizing that I have the chance to fight for those dreams to spark it. It’s realization that I don’t know how many good days lay head of me and that may be morbid but it’s the realization of it’s time to fight now because there’s one day that I won’t be able to fight anymore. It’s fighting for the good days and fighting that on those good days that I can actually do my dreams. It’s fighting for the desire to do anything that will help heal this body.
Having conversations with people who do not understand exactly what I go through on a regular basis makes me realize I still wanna fight even harder because while they don’t understand the darkness that is there, in those times is what makes me pray they will never understand. I continue to fight the cyclical vomiting, but I am working so hard to making it that I can fight for other things for the happy days. My family and my kids mean the world to me and I’m fighting for them again. I haven’t been a mother or wife that I’ve always been and it’s been showing so much lately, but this is where it ends. This is where the defeat ends, this is where the sadness of being sick ends. I’m always going to be sad. I’m always going to feel it but I’m no longer letting it dictate my life. I’m going forward with realizing that I’m going to show this journey to everybody but your mindset is exactly the thing that needs your work the most. So with that my mindset has changed, we are going stronger than ever. We are going to fight to nurse this body of mine and we are going to fight cyclical vomiting. I’m going to fight to be the wife and the mom that I once was, I’m gonna fight to be better than that and lastly, I’m gonna fight to be proud of myself again. My husband is wonderful, I know somebody’s proud of me and I know he’ll be proud of this journey and that he’ll be there with me every second and long side of the Lord we will make this through.
But today 27 December, we fight.