It doesn’t matter
I hear so many people talking negatively about their spouses because they aren’t coming home and immediately helping with picking up the house. Now let me start off right away and buffer. This entire blog is meant about the spouses that are present in their family. I’m not talking about the ones that come home and instantly do nothing or for the spouse that legit does nothing. That is a different story. I am talking about the ones that come home and either be with the kids, clean up around the house, do a hobby, take a long poop, just quiets down and takes a moment of rest. That is who I am talking about. The ones that seem to still get the negative comments.
It doesn’t matter. I am fortunate enough to say I have lived both lives. The entirety of my kids being young, I was on my own living the married but close to single parenting life. (That is not me in any way saying I was a single parent. Those people are beast.) Jeremy worked retail in a job that the boss picked his own hours and threw Jeremy under the bus on his hours. So we rarely saw him. Plus he had his own small business, selling corals on the side. Two jobs for him while I working my own business, took care of kids, homeschooled, went to co-op, took Sky to ballet, ran errands, took care of the house, took care of the yard work and more that I am forgetting. It was a lot. Now I am fortunate to have a life where Jeremy works from home and if I need help I can ask for it. But that doesn’t mean I don’t have a load on my plate still. I still have the yard work, preserving the garden harvest, cleaning the house, blogging and more. Yet here’s the thing, that doesn’t mean Jeremy is lazy in the least. He works crazy hours for his clients, starts the seeds, sells seed starts, helps me with random cleaning and projects, and up until recently, he was the cook for the family.
What I am realizing though through both of these times of life is it doesn’t matter. I hate to break it to you but even if your spouse is willing to help you around the house, it doesn’t mean you will catch a break. When you live a life style like ours, it really means that you wont have much of a break. I’m going to explain my wake up moment to you all when I realized this. Recently I spent the entire day nonstop working on dishes. I had, I believe, 4 loads through the dishwasher and an entire counter full of dirty dishes that needed to be hand washed. When I got all of those dishes hand washed, I dried them and put them away. By the time I did that, somehow I had another small batch of dishes that needed to be hand washed. So I washed those and then set them out to dry. Sure enough I still had dinner to clean up after in a few hours. Y’all all the work I did that day went out the window. You could not tell that I had done dishes the entire time and finally looked caught up. I had a sink full and it was over flowing to the counter. In the middle of one of the loads of dishes I sat back and thought “it would be nice if my husband was around to help.” Then I sat back thinking “what in the world would he be doing that I am not? It doesn’t even matter if I had his help, these dishes just keep popping up out of no where. His help wouldn’t change much.”
I fully understand that his help could mean that I would get a moment to rest but if we are people that can’t stand how our spouses do things around the house, then why do we complain that they aren’t helping. It would be just as easy to do it on our own. I’m not saying that spouses shouldn’t help out. Honestly I think a good marriage is one where both parties help each other out especially around the house and with the kids. But I also do know my husband doesn’t deserve me being grumpy and mean to him because I wished he would help out more yet there isn’t anything he could be doing really.
My husband may be home more now and I am fortunate for that but just because he is home, doesn’t mean he is home. That man is running around doing all of his hobbies that sometimes I don’t see him for a while. He also works random hours so there are times when he works and I sit back like “ok don’t bug him. He needs to get some work done without me.” He is in the house and I can call him if I absolutely need help but its still as if he was out of the house working. Mentally it would be easier if he was out of the house so I could just go on with the day and not be tempted to ask him for help all of the time. But I am fortunate with how our lives are that I can have him around if I need.
What I am saying is that even though my husband is home more, our lives are completely different than they were just a few years ago, it still hasn’t changed. I can have the most supportive husband in the world (I do) but that doesn’t mean I will have my head above water with this life style we picked. I love being able to have the homestead and really focus on what to nourish our bodies with in the form of food and herbs. I love being able to make things from scratch. I like being able to shop my basement when I need something. I love being able to say “I don’t have this so I am just going to make it.” But with this lifestyle that we choose, it comes with the understanding that life will not be easy. Yet that is the choice we make to better our families. I think the perspective needs to change. We can so easily see that the spouse doesn’t help with something. But first off did we even ask if the spouse wanted this life? Secondly, we need to realize that we are actually doing so much to better our family and their lives. Whatever it is that you are doing, you have decided that this is what is needed for your family. Now go do it with the joy and excitement that you get to do it.
After my moment with the dishes, I started to realize that all of those dishes were dirty because of everything I have been doing for my family. We had been freeze drying so many different fruits to make powders to dye food. I had been freeze drying herbs for spices. I had tea pots upon tea pots needing washed because my kids were sick and I wanted the natural healing. There were jars upon jars from me making my protein powder coffee in the morning to help my body with its journey to heal. Lastly, those dishes were from the family dinners and desserts that we made to show love to one another. We went to our home to be family. Our home is not meant to tear the family apart.
Go home. Be with your family. Change your perspective. I also hate to say it but this stage will pass and you’re going to miss it. Trust me, I know you don’t want the mess. I didn’t either but now with older kids, the mess is different and I continue to have moments of “I miss..” This is a phase but you can choose to have this phase be one where your mindset is different than where it may want to be.