I got myself out of bed this morning. Something I don’t always feel up to. It’s taken 5 years to do this. It was hard. It was difficult. I wanted to stay in bed. The motivation was gone. The happiness was gone. The positive emotions were gone. Grief, depression, and sadness over took my body in a form that only loss can explain. But I got up. I put one foot on the floor and then the next. I sat for a moment to to tell myself I needed to move. Then one step followed by the next. I got showered. I got dressed. I got myself into gear. I pushed with all my power to do what I knew you would want me to do. To live my dream and not stay in the sadness because you’re gone. I did the work that I knew you were proud of and then I got home. But to my surprise a friend sent love in the form of flowers. Such a simple act reminded me that not everyone has forgotten about you. That people still remember and miss you the way only friends and loved ones can. I lost it. I cried. I smiled. I picked up the flowers and went into my house. Motivation was still not around but I pushed to work a little more because you would have been so proud to see your daughter and what has been accomplished since you left. Later in the night I crawled into bed and that’s when the emotions hit. I spent the day just how I knew you would want me to but that doesn’t mean the sting of you being gone doesn’t hit. I wept. I had nightmares. I was sad. But this morning I woke up and I did it again.
You’re loved father. But 5 years since you’ve been gone in Heaven is far too long.
A post written 2/17/2022 in Memory of Randy Zartman.